Does God want me?

OK so this is a negative thought and I do know the answer, but really...sometimes I wonder.

As most of my friends know, I have struggled the last few years really jumping into a ward and going to church every week. In my new place I want to try again to get involved. So where would a 25 year old go to church, a singles ward right? So I do what I am supposed to and go online to maps.lds.org. There I find that I should go to a student ward. Then I go to the student ward to find that I can't go because I am not in school. Also because of the guidelines they list on their website I feel if I miss a couple weeks of church, they will kick me out. So I try to go back online to find a singles ward, but no luck. So I go to the Family Ward. I think maybe I could fit in there, but as I look around I see no one single in my age bracket at all. So I ask the bishopric if they know where I should go to church and they refer me back to the Student ward who rejected me. I then decide to spend about an hour looking though stake web pages to find the closest singles ward to me. I call and they say that I am out of their boundaries.

No one wants me :( Maybe I will just go to the Senior Citizens Branch for kicks and giggles next week.

Christmas Miracle

This is the story of my Christmas Miracle of 2008.



After a rough year, I have not allowed myself to get very excited about Christmas, even though it is by far my favorite Holiday. I was invited to my friend's family's home to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I was a little nervous that I might be intruding and that it might be awkward. In reality it was quite the opposite.



Christmas Eve, I joined in the cooking for a Ham dinner. After dinner we played games and I felt so connected, almost as if I had the family of my dreams. We were told to go to bed and if we wanted presents from Santa, not to peak.



We woke up Christmas Morning, because I wasn't family and I didn't plan on any real presents. I got my stocking stuffers and was much grateful. Then it was time for the big presents to came out. A video camera was opened by one of the kids, clothes and gift cards by another, and then they put presents in front of me. I was surprised when I opened up camping gear (tent, air matttress, sleeping bag, and fishing pole), and then a homemade quilt by the mother. The family never asked me what I would like, and even if they had I am not sure I could have asked for presents this amazing. I love camping but have not done it for 9 years. I was grateful to be given such a gift along with a blanket full of love.



The rest of the day I continued to enjoy my time with this family. They always made me feel at home. Even when I was driving off and got stuck in the snow, they came out in numbers to help again.



To me the miracle was not the presents, the games, or even the food. It was simply one family loving another; loving me.



I may still not believe in Santa, but I do believe much more in the light and love of Christ and how it can shine through us, his followers.

Sleep

Who needs sleep.

I am falling asleep. It is Thursday at 2 am. I am working my 2nd grave shift at my new job. Comfort Inn. I worked last night and tonight with only 2 hours of sleep since Tuesday Night. what am I thinking???

Oh well, at least I can blog while I am hard working :)

Cell Phone Strike Update

First off, thank you so much for the support on this.

This may seem silly to some, but it is one step to finding myself and being me.

Sometimes I feel that phone conversations are a way for me to escape having to deal with my own thoughts. Over the last year I have not wanted to deal with my thoughts. It is easy just to talk and be with friends and hope someday problems will just go away if you don't think about them. What I have learned the last couple days is that the problems may be in the background (not going anywhere), but by not thinking about life too much, you never have the chance to ponder solutions, new goals, vision, insights, love, passions, feelings so incredibly deep and pure and full of wonder, ones that can take away all the pain of problems, bring joy to a level so unexpected, so high to give one purpose.

I kinda forgot that I love myself. I have potential to change the world.

In one day I decided to create opportunities for families to understand each other, be available to a long lost friend so he could tell me how he found the love of his life, to face rejection in the scariest form and accept it. I am growing, I am finding myself, I am remembering who I really am, even though some people will not like who that person is.

Life is good, and in this great life I am grateful for supportive friends.

Love you all!!!

Cell Phone Strike!!!

So I did some really sad math today. I looked at my minutes for November on my T-Mobile Account and I have exceeded 5,000 in a month. Not only am I getting brain cancer but I am also spending 18% of my taking life on the phone.

I am now trying to imagine if I just had 1/2 of that time back. That would be about 42 extra hours a month to live. 10 hours a week. Maybe 5 of those hours a week could go to community service, 2 could go to keeping my life organized, and 30 minutes a day could go to exercise. 3 big goals could be met in my life just by changing one priority. It doesn't mean I will no longer have friends as a priority, it just means talk to them less on the phone. Will my extra time I can email them, text, facebook, spend time with, and build better, stronger, more rounded friendships. Kinda like normal people do :)

So back to the title , "Cell Phone Strike".

I am going to give my little phone a break. For one week I will not use my phone as a way to "talk". I will use it for work, directions, texting, emergencies, email, and that's it.

I will blog the results and log my usage of my new found time. After this strike, I will go back to using my phone to talk on occasion, but no more 5000 minute months.

Wish me luck and hope I don't go through major withdrawals. Do they have detox for something like this?

Quotes

Ben Stein
from Motivational Quotes of the Day
"I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty...This is my highest and best use as a human."

Amy Bloom
from Motivational Quotes of the Day
"Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are."

Paul Graham
from Motivational Quotes of the Day
"Nerds don't just happen to dress informally. They do it too consistently. Consciously or not, they dress informally as a prophylactic measure against stupidity."

Strength

Since I found so much insight in one word yesterday, I decided to figure out what another word meant to me.

strength n.
1. The state, property, or quality of being strong.
2. The power to resist attack; impregnability.
3. The power to resist strain or stress; durability.
4. The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly.
5. Capacity or potential for effective action: a show of strength.

1. The state, property, or quality of being strong.

I obviously would like to be a little more buff, bench like 1000 lbs, maybe even lift a bus, but for whatever reason, this is not my first priority when I think of building my own strength.

2. The power to resist attack; impregnability.

I think I have always felt under attack. Growing up, I felt perfection was my only measure I was allowed to live up to. That has carried into adulthood where I still feel completely under attack when I am not perfect. Who is really attacking me now though. Only myself. How do I become strong and resist attack. Find peace with in myself. Know that sometimes things are okay when everything seems not okay.

3. The power to resist strain or stress; durability.

Being durable, growing a tough skin, take punches, turn the other cheek. All things I don't like to do. I love to run. Moving and changing jobs are two of my favorite hobbies. I feel that if I just live somewhere new or change my line of work things will work out. Maybe if I make things work out with my job and where I live, everything else will work out?

4. The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly.

Being spiritually Strong. Sometimes I get so stressed with church or with culture, or life that I feel that means I have to give up spiritually. Being active in church and being spiritual ARE two separate things. I would have never started going to church if I didn't start to grow spiritually. I guess it is time to start from a seed again and grow some spiritually.

5. Capacity or potential for effective action: a show of strength.

From age 11-17 I really knew I would change the world. I really was going to in a big way. Now I am content in not messing it up too much more. I want to again have the capacity and potential to change the world. To make it a better place. Comfort those in need of comfort.

Independence

Not only only is it the starting place for every one's favorite computer game Oregon Trail, but it is also something that many of us strive for. If you are anything like me, being independent is something important, or at least I thought it was until lately.



I looked up what the word Independence means.



"freedom from the control...of others"



Oh how nice does that sound. Who wants to be controlled? But there are more parts to it.



"freedom from the influence, support, aid, or the like, of others."



I like good influences in my life. I want to be able to turn to those around me for support and aid when I need it.



So I still want to be strong. I don't want to be needy. I want people to be able to look to me for support and aid as well, but not bound to that person for everything. I want to be able to live my life with out people having more control over my life than I do, but I want people around.



What am I looking for if not Independence?



I guess I don't know. What I am learning more each day is I need to feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like there are people who like me less when I am who I am. Growing up I was mostly alone, but very much true to myself. Now I feel like I have many good friends, but I am often times a people pleaser, doing things to make others happy and leaving myself behind.



I guess what I am really looking for is me.

"I'm only a man, In a funny red sheet" Superman, Five for Fighting

Friends

I am a little bit tired and starting this blog in the final minutes of my birthday so this will be short.

I just want to send out to the world how great my friends are!

I am so dang lucky!

Tonight was especially good. Brian and Julie made me a cake that was the cutest thing I have ever seen.

Other Friends who made this years birthday special...

Rich and Tashina + their families, Camille, Becky, and Ethan, Beth, Allyson, Ashley, RISE Team, Rachel, Marina, Marie, Chad, Alisha, Kevin, Laura, Josh, Kiely, Andrea, and Jenn Jam.

Thanks to everyone! I love you tons!

Commentary on Prop 8 from a friend

One of my friends sent me this email. I wanted to post it because I thought it was very worth while to read.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friends,

I am writing to address the increasing concern over reaction to the church over prop 8 in California. I just want to send out my perspective into the world and hopefully it will give people a different view point.

I first want people to know that I have a firm testimony of Jesus Christ,His Restored Church, Joseph Smith, inspired leaders and especially a Prophet of God who leads us under the personal guidance of the Savior. I know I am a son of God.
The next thing you should know about me is I struggle with same sex attraction. Some people would say that means I'm gay. Many people today would say because of how I feel I should be out protesting temple square, fighting for gay rights, and leaving the church. To this I simply go back to my testimony, and that leads me to my thoughts...

It appears in the world and even in the church, people are losing focus of what is right and what is wrong. Some advocate that people are people, they should be treated equally (instead of fairly), and all should have the same life, no matter what their choices. My thoughts are this simple regarding same sex marriage. If people choose to live a lifestyle that goes against the majority of religions, they should choose a union created by man and not God and the majority of religions. Marriage, a sacred covenant, should be between a man and a woman.

On the other hand, in God's Kingdom, I am seeing some ignorance and almost hate towards people we may not understand. We sometimes look down on people with out knowing where they came from or what brought them to this point.

So what can we do?

Let's come together and learn. Let us build each other up. Let us pray for stronger testimonies and follow the Savior.

Here is a great link that I would love for everyone to read. I think it will give you some great council from Elder Oaks on Same Gender Attraction.

http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/public-issues/same-gender-attraction

One closing ramble. Many feel unsettled in these times and that evil and wickedness are all around us. On my way to work this morning, I looked up to the cloud covered mountains and felt a tender mercy from the Lord. It was as though he created a special piece of artwork just for me. I testify that God is all around us if we look. He loves us, his Children. In this time of trouble, we are not being asked to abandon our temples or to die for the truth, but simply to have faith in God and trust him.

With all the love in my heart I plead that we may all become a Zion people,

-Name Withheld

Ever feel a little disconnected from the world?

So, I am at work waiting for an appointment to arrive (knowing it most likely will not show), and I check out facebook, which leads me to a friends blog, which leads me to this great and random urge to click on the "next blog" at the top of my friends blog. It allowed me to feel a little closer to my world as I came across so many blogs from other countries. Some I was only able to look at the amazing pictures from around the world, some would have a poem in English and the rest of the text in Dutch, and some were from right here in our own back yard. I stumbled across a blog by a third grade class, and there was a picture of a teacher kissing a cow. I ran into one that was all on semi conductors which was neat for the simple fact that the author was excited about what he wrote and what he does.

In this time where the media says we should be so sad, take a minute and look around at how happy we are and how great life can be.

The Vespa: Scooter Riding 101

Every boy reaches a time in his life where he finds that special someone. When he sees her, his hear flutters, a smile comes, and he knows she is the one. On the flip side though, she can also cause much trouble, like all girls can.

This story is about my love Bell. Bell is a brand new 2007 Vespa 150 LX. She is named after and Ice Cream from down south (Blue Bell), and she has won my heart. I try to take her everywhere and we are very close when we go riding. Anyway, this post is being Co-Authored by Bell and I so we can share our stories with you.

First off Bell is very tight with money. She will only buy a gallon and and a half of gas for herself at a time, but she will make that stretch to 120 miles. I am learning that even though Bell seems to cost a lot per month she helps me to save even more.

Bell prefers her boys to be humble. I like to show off what a great girl I ride around with my waving and honking to friends as I drive off. As I did this leaving Justin and Emily's house, Bell almost shoved me into the ground as she made me lose my balance. What a nerd I am :) Bell forgave though

Bell has also taught me a lot about appearance. We were riding home the other night from Justin's house, I had some kids hanging out of their parents SUV. First off kids buckle up and keep your hand, arms, legs, and upper body inside the vehicle at all times. Anyway...They are talking to us, well actually me, and not Bell, and say Hey! Scooter! and repeat. Why are they calling me Scooter. It just helped me to see that one is judged not for who they are, but for what they look like and who they Roll with.

Always listen to the girl on directions. That same night I didn't plan ahead on where to go. Bell was very nervous. We went though the Ghetto West side of the freeway in Salt Lake. I was thinking if I was in a car this would be no problem, roll up the windows lock the doors and all would be ok. Not this time. Instead all I could do was zip up my backpack, tighten my helmet, and pray.

Heaven's Lessons in Life's Darkest Corners

Have you ever had one of those trials...Like those really big trials like dang it, my car is dying and I don't have money to keep it on life support, or I got fired from my dream job because of something that wasn't my fault. The word on the street is those things come in sets of 3. Well in 6 days I got 2 full sets of 3 of those things.



Here are I am in the deepest pit of my despair (so I think) at trial #1 and I ask for a blessing from my Bishop. I am promised through the priesthood that trial #1 is to prepare me for much harder trials in my life. The next 24 hours brought trials #2-5. I have never felt more hopelessness in my life than at this point.



Through this time of depression, my friends came out in force to love me and protect me.



Lesson #1 I have friends who care about me



If you really know me, or even kinda know me, you are aware of how negative I can be. I sometimes convince myself I am all alone. It was super neat to see how many great friends are there for me in a moments notice.

Lesson # 2 Joy Comes from work (not a job)

There was a time where I was very proud of my work ethic. Heck I worked at wireless city for 60 hours a week hours which left no chance of having a life. Even greater than that, I work as a field consultant starting my days at 7 am and often times going till 1 am 7 days a week. Both of these jobs lacked joy. The Field Consultant Job lacked joy because I didn't have to work spiritually. I was virtually free from temptation, and the happiness that comes from overcoming it. Wireless City was lacking because I did nothing which brought much temptation and no rewards of any work.

Although my trials were great, I was so happy as I survived them. I worked hard, endured, and made it through.

This on top of having a 8-4 type job (working less hours than I have since high school), that I run all day after great kids, and see the joy in peoples lives that have far less than I, helped me to get through a week that I alone was not capable of.

Lesson # 3: The atonement work different on me than I thought.

When I read the poem footsteps, I think, wow, I will be lifted up during the hard times and it will be easy, because He will just do everything for me. Wrong!

The Savior uses the atonement by allowing me experiences he has had to teach me. He knew that if I had not had six major trials, I might not have grown stronger on one smaller, much more long term meaningful trial.

This really has been a great week, and I am thankful for it...But I am ok with a break from things major for a while :)

Okay, a little late to start blogging, but here I am.

So what does one write on a blog. I have my friend Brian that writes really fun and random stories that make one laugh. I have a friend Beth, who shares insights and life news.

Wiki says "A blog (an abridgment of the term web log) is a website, usually maintained by an individual, with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video. Entries are commonly displayed in reverse chronological order. "Blog" can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog."

I think I will use this to share my highs and lows, joys and pains, lessons learned and lost. I guess I can just go from there.