Does God want me?

OK so this is a negative thought and I do know the answer, but really...sometimes I wonder.

As most of my friends know, I have struggled the last few years really jumping into a ward and going to church every week. In my new place I want to try again to get involved. So where would a 25 year old go to church, a singles ward right? So I do what I am supposed to and go online to maps.lds.org. There I find that I should go to a student ward. Then I go to the student ward to find that I can't go because I am not in school. Also because of the guidelines they list on their website I feel if I miss a couple weeks of church, they will kick me out. So I try to go back online to find a singles ward, but no luck. So I go to the Family Ward. I think maybe I could fit in there, but as I look around I see no one single in my age bracket at all. So I ask the bishopric if they know where I should go to church and they refer me back to the Student ward who rejected me. I then decide to spend about an hour looking though stake web pages to find the closest singles ward to me. I call and they say that I am out of their boundaries.

No one wants me :( Maybe I will just go to the Senior Citizens Branch for kicks and giggles next week.

Christmas Miracle

This is the story of my Christmas Miracle of 2008.



After a rough year, I have not allowed myself to get very excited about Christmas, even though it is by far my favorite Holiday. I was invited to my friend's family's home to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I was a little nervous that I might be intruding and that it might be awkward. In reality it was quite the opposite.



Christmas Eve, I joined in the cooking for a Ham dinner. After dinner we played games and I felt so connected, almost as if I had the family of my dreams. We were told to go to bed and if we wanted presents from Santa, not to peak.



We woke up Christmas Morning, because I wasn't family and I didn't plan on any real presents. I got my stocking stuffers and was much grateful. Then it was time for the big presents to came out. A video camera was opened by one of the kids, clothes and gift cards by another, and then they put presents in front of me. I was surprised when I opened up camping gear (tent, air matttress, sleeping bag, and fishing pole), and then a homemade quilt by the mother. The family never asked me what I would like, and even if they had I am not sure I could have asked for presents this amazing. I love camping but have not done it for 9 years. I was grateful to be given such a gift along with a blanket full of love.



The rest of the day I continued to enjoy my time with this family. They always made me feel at home. Even when I was driving off and got stuck in the snow, they came out in numbers to help again.



To me the miracle was not the presents, the games, or even the food. It was simply one family loving another; loving me.



I may still not believe in Santa, but I do believe much more in the light and love of Christ and how it can shine through us, his followers.

Sleep

Who needs sleep.

I am falling asleep. It is Thursday at 2 am. I am working my 2nd grave shift at my new job. Comfort Inn. I worked last night and tonight with only 2 hours of sleep since Tuesday Night. what am I thinking???

Oh well, at least I can blog while I am hard working :)

Cell Phone Strike Update

First off, thank you so much for the support on this.

This may seem silly to some, but it is one step to finding myself and being me.

Sometimes I feel that phone conversations are a way for me to escape having to deal with my own thoughts. Over the last year I have not wanted to deal with my thoughts. It is easy just to talk and be with friends and hope someday problems will just go away if you don't think about them. What I have learned the last couple days is that the problems may be in the background (not going anywhere), but by not thinking about life too much, you never have the chance to ponder solutions, new goals, vision, insights, love, passions, feelings so incredibly deep and pure and full of wonder, ones that can take away all the pain of problems, bring joy to a level so unexpected, so high to give one purpose.

I kinda forgot that I love myself. I have potential to change the world.

In one day I decided to create opportunities for families to understand each other, be available to a long lost friend so he could tell me how he found the love of his life, to face rejection in the scariest form and accept it. I am growing, I am finding myself, I am remembering who I really am, even though some people will not like who that person is.

Life is good, and in this great life I am grateful for supportive friends.

Love you all!!!

Cell Phone Strike!!!

So I did some really sad math today. I looked at my minutes for November on my T-Mobile Account and I have exceeded 5,000 in a month. Not only am I getting brain cancer but I am also spending 18% of my taking life on the phone.

I am now trying to imagine if I just had 1/2 of that time back. That would be about 42 extra hours a month to live. 10 hours a week. Maybe 5 of those hours a week could go to community service, 2 could go to keeping my life organized, and 30 minutes a day could go to exercise. 3 big goals could be met in my life just by changing one priority. It doesn't mean I will no longer have friends as a priority, it just means talk to them less on the phone. Will my extra time I can email them, text, facebook, spend time with, and build better, stronger, more rounded friendships. Kinda like normal people do :)

So back to the title , "Cell Phone Strike".

I am going to give my little phone a break. For one week I will not use my phone as a way to "talk". I will use it for work, directions, texting, emergencies, email, and that's it.

I will blog the results and log my usage of my new found time. After this strike, I will go back to using my phone to talk on occasion, but no more 5000 minute months.

Wish me luck and hope I don't go through major withdrawals. Do they have detox for something like this?

Quotes

Ben Stein
from Motivational Quotes of the Day
"I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty...This is my highest and best use as a human."

Amy Bloom
from Motivational Quotes of the Day
"Intimacy is being seen and known as the person you truly are."

Paul Graham
from Motivational Quotes of the Day
"Nerds don't just happen to dress informally. They do it too consistently. Consciously or not, they dress informally as a prophylactic measure against stupidity."

Strength

Since I found so much insight in one word yesterday, I decided to figure out what another word meant to me.

strength n.
1. The state, property, or quality of being strong.
2. The power to resist attack; impregnability.
3. The power to resist strain or stress; durability.
4. The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly.
5. Capacity or potential for effective action: a show of strength.

1. The state, property, or quality of being strong.

I obviously would like to be a little more buff, bench like 1000 lbs, maybe even lift a bus, but for whatever reason, this is not my first priority when I think of building my own strength.

2. The power to resist attack; impregnability.

I think I have always felt under attack. Growing up, I felt perfection was my only measure I was allowed to live up to. That has carried into adulthood where I still feel completely under attack when I am not perfect. Who is really attacking me now though. Only myself. How do I become strong and resist attack. Find peace with in myself. Know that sometimes things are okay when everything seems not okay.

3. The power to resist strain or stress; durability.

Being durable, growing a tough skin, take punches, turn the other cheek. All things I don't like to do. I love to run. Moving and changing jobs are two of my favorite hobbies. I feel that if I just live somewhere new or change my line of work things will work out. Maybe if I make things work out with my job and where I live, everything else will work out?

4. The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly.

Being spiritually Strong. Sometimes I get so stressed with church or with culture, or life that I feel that means I have to give up spiritually. Being active in church and being spiritual ARE two separate things. I would have never started going to church if I didn't start to grow spiritually. I guess it is time to start from a seed again and grow some spiritually.

5. Capacity or potential for effective action: a show of strength.

From age 11-17 I really knew I would change the world. I really was going to in a big way. Now I am content in not messing it up too much more. I want to again have the capacity and potential to change the world. To make it a better place. Comfort those in need of comfort.